Tuesday, December 20, 2011
I know in my head that Jesus came in to this world of darkness to bring light, consolation, and hope. I know that my focus should be that, and that if I could see it clearly, I would indeed be consoled. But somehow, this miracle of the greatest gift of all has been obscured by the daily stresses that have become my companions, and I don't know how to turn this event, this tiny baby coming as the Savior of the world, into peace and joy in my own life. Well advising friends would remind me to turn my focus outward, and focus on making the day a special one of celebration for my children. I can do that, and I will. Yet, at the same time, I want to regain this sense of wonder and joy, to throw my head back and laugh, to stand up tall and say the words " It is all good" and mean them.
A large part of my angst stems from missing my dad. I have been thinking about Christmases past, and the things my dad always did to make Christmas special. Christmas is not the same without a long walk, an afternoon of playing the new game he always bought us, and a dish of the Melt-a-Way mints he always bought at Hickory Farms. And my mom? She has started referring to my family as "those friends of ours with the land." I am sad that she doesn't always remember who we are, can't recall our names.
The truth is, I am neither depressed or terribly gloomy, and I know that when I wake up in the morning feeling better than I did today (if the anti-biotic does it's work...) things will seem much better. Tonight, I am just not feeling the Christmas joy!