Sunday, February 6, 2011
For some reason, I have felt sad and restless today. I found an old picture of me with a friend, a very good friend who suddenly stopped being my friend-I still don't know what happened. It was hard, this being confronted with what I had lost, especially in the face of also losing my father, two brother in laws, and the farmers grandma in the last eighteen months. I have been struggling with the feeling of losing so much and gaining so little. This restlesness, this sense of regret and sorrow and wanting to regain all I have lost is very hard for me to deal with, because the only way for me to work it out is to have a good weep. To go off by my self and cry and pray and walk until I am exhausted, and can fall into bed and sleep. I have not been able to do this today, and so I thought it might be helpful to compile a list of things for which I am grateful, because I know that in amidst the confusion and sorrow and stress, there is joy to be had. There is beauty and truth and goodness. If I spend the last half hour of my day in gratitude, hopefully I will be able to banish these other thoughts from my mind! So! I am grateful for the early morning sunlight flooding my dining room with golden light. Grateful that I have two oatmeal scones to eat with my morning coffee, grateful for the handsome farmer who made the scones! Grateful for my dear friend who bought my little girls each three dresses from Lands End, just because. Grateful I found my i-pod before my morning walk. I always go further and walk fatser with some good music playing. Grateful that God holds my heart, turns my mourning into joy, and has given me the hope of heaven, which I cling to with all my might on these dark days.